The Treacherous Whisper Within
By Suriya Mistwood
You’re crossing a street with your partner and he smiles at an unusually striking woman, commenting quietly, “God, is she gorgeous.” You feel the lance pierce you, even though you agree with him, even though the woman passes you both without a glance and is lost in the crowd, even though he goes on holding your hand, not hers.
You’re lying in bed with your wife and she says, “I’ll be home late tomorrow. I’m taking my (male) colleague out for a drink—his marriage is crumbling, and he needs some advice.” Your stomach clenches, and your mind races—what’s really happening? Why aren’t you invited too? After all, your advice is also valuable, and you have a friendly relationship with her colleagues. You tell yourself that it’s nothing—that she’s being generous, kind; that friendships need not be limited by gender; that her colleague needs a woman’s perspective, not a man’s. But the tension in your gut persists.
Your Master comes home one night and takes you in his arms. “You know how we’ve always talked about perhaps trying out a poly relationship? I’ve met a submissive I think might be a good fit for us. I’d like you to meet her.” You curl closer to him, safe in his arms. Long ago you recognised that this was his nature, and consented to give poly-living a try. But now that it’s here, your throat tightens, tears threaten. The voices begin in your head, and you feel an emotion akin to grief. He knows what you’re feeling—he understands you better than you understand yourself. But he believes you are strong enough for this, that in fact you will benefit in time, that your relationship will strengthen. You trust him; you want to believe that he is right, and to give him what fulfils him. But long after he has fallen asleep you lie awake, trying not to cry, trying not to feel as if you are about to lose the most important thing in the world.
What’s going on here?
It is common wisdom that jealousy is an unhealthy emotion, and certainly its effect on a relationship can be erosive at best, disastrous at worst. But to dismiss it without grasping its origins is short sighted, and perhaps even cruel to those who suffer from its pangs. Moreover, jealousy which is denied, banished, repressed or ignored has a way of lurking in the darkness, where it can do even greater damage.
Consider for a moment the possibility that jealousy may actually have a purpose. All living beings are hardwired with an awareness that resources are limited. We humans who live in comparatively wealthy societies are mostly unconscious of this reality, most of the time. But it takes little to bring it to the surface. A prolonged drought, a protracted power failure, a collapse in the housing market, a bank run, even a shortage of bread and toilet paper before a snowstorm will trigger the anxiety that comes with the sudden realisation that there might not be enough to go around. Go a little deeper, and the anxiety turns to fear, competition, genuine danger, possibly violence, eventually war. Ask any “survivalist”—are they just laying in meals, water, batteries, fuel? No. Odds are that they’re also shoring up their defences against those who, when the crisis comes, will try to abscond with their carefully-stockpiled resources. Awareness of scarcity brings out our deepest fears, our most primal drive to compete. It makes us territorial, and puts us on high alert—is our well-being threatened? Might our very survival be at risk?
What does this have to do with jealousy? I would submit that, of all the limited resources we require for our survival, the deep mutual connection of a fulfilling love-bond is among the scarcest. We have all heard it said that we will meet many people in a lifetime with whom we are capable of forming such a bond. But the reality is that for most of us, there will be few with whom the fit is good enough, the connection deep enough, the compatibility profound enough, and the timing and circumstances advantageous enough, that we form a love-relationship. For many of us, that person may never come along. And when he/she does, our inclination may be to hang on for dear life, against the many threats to the relationship’s survival.
Jealousy then could be viewed as nothing more than the fear that this precious element of our lives, this critical “resource” essential to our happiness, might be threatened. In that sense, one could say that it’s an adaptive response—a sensitivity we’ve evolved, to protect something precious and essential to our well being; a kind of early-warning-system that something fundamental may be amiss. Viewed this way, jealousy loses a bit of its negative power—perhaps it is less about distrust or irrationality, and more about an exaggerated primal vigilance. Unfortunately, for those with an abundance of this sensitivity, the love-bond can also bring chronic anxiety, suspicion, paranoia, imaginings, and pathological possessiveness.
We vary hugely in our susceptibility to this emotion. Past betrayals can lead to a kind of post-traumatic-stress-disorder. For those who have been so wounded, small troubling incidents or behaviours may bring on a full-blown attack of “I knew this would happen! You’re just like the last guy who betrayed me!” These triggering betrayals or losses can even occur in childhood, and may set the person up for a lifetime of fear that the precious love-bond may be threatened by every passing competitor.
In some people the susceptibility seems to arise from a more generalised sensitivity to undercurrents. It is a short trip from perceiving the real subtext between people—which is a useful skill—to misreading the subtext that you only imagine is there, which is a liability, particularly if fear has clouded your judgement. Was that glance significant? Did he smile at her just a little too long? Is that a sparkle in her eye at the mention of his name? Sensitivity to undercurrents is a double-edged sword.
In some relationships, the hyper-vigilance of jealousy can be triggered by a partner who resists being “manipulated” into giving reassurance. This can be a vicious cycle between two people. Partner A reveals their hunger for reassurance. Partner B reacts by resisting—not wanting to feel controlled by the irrational needs and fears of partner A, and perhaps even offended by what he perceives as a lack of trust or faith. Partner A in turn concludes that partner B’s resistance is a sign that indeed there is something to be afraid of. Both escalate. Both fuel the pathology of the other. The relationship erodes.
There are lots of other ways jealousy can enter into a dynamic. But suffice it to say that however it enters, it tends to be destructive. So the question becomes—what can be done about it?
It is too simplistic to say that the jealous partner should suck it up and fight their irrational fear. It’s equally simplistic to suggest that the other partner should provide sufficient reassurance and evidence of fidelity to calm the jealous anxiety. And it becomes a particularly thorny question when the structure of the relationship (as in a poly family) is such that the foundation for the jealousy may be entirely real.
I think the antidote, if there is one, lies in examining our beliefs about the nature and purpose of jealousy. If in fact jealousy evolved as a protective mechanism, the question is not “how do we eradicate it”—which may well be impossible—but rather “how well is it working for us?” The feelings themselves are just an alarm system—but often the alarm is false. We can choose to act on the feelings—by giving in to suspicion, fear and doubt—or we can choose not to let our fears dictate our actions. Jealousy has a tendency to create paradoxical damage. The very alarm system that is meant to protect our love-bond actually creates harm, by making the other partner feel confined, distrusted, manipulated, controlled. These effects can be magnified in a D/s bond. A jealous submissive may seem to be failing in the core trust the relationship requires. A jealous Master may exert inappropriate control, in a misguided effort to insulate the relationship from external threats. Either way, the consequences of jealousy are likely to damage the very bond the partners were so anxious to protect.
It is a mistake, however, to conclude that the responsibility for applying the antidote lies only with the jealous partner, wrestling their fears in silence. Jealousy may be one partner’s reaction, but it is both partners’ problem, and therefore both partners’ project to confront and resolve. Both must accept responsibility for clearing this erosive element from their relationship. It is not “indulgent” to hold your partner, remind her that she is your chosen, listen to her fears, calm her with reassurances, help her see what it is about her that gives her a unique place in your heart—and what it is about you that ensures that she can trust you. You are not being “manipulated” when you take time to comfort and reassure—you are being kind, responsive, loving, nurturing and responsible. As the non-jealous partner, you may have a deep, negative reaction to being unfairly suspected, distrusted, and scrutinised. Those feelings may cause you to want to withdraw, and understandably so. But in so doing, you will be turning a fear into a reality, and confirming for your partner that loss is imminent and inevitable. If you value the relationship, you must fight the urge to pull away. It can help to recognise that your partner did not “invite” these fears—they are natural, common, and not entirely in her control. If they are to be quelled, it must be a joint endeavour.
Jealousy can be a bit like hearing voices, especially if you have enough losses or betrayals in your past to fuel the whispering. “See, you knew this was going to happen. It was only a matter of time. Of COURSE she’s looking for someone better. What made you think this would be different? What made you think you could hold his attention? What made you think she’d want a guy like you?” This is really nothing more than an old learning run amok. Having loved and lost before, you are alert this time, for what feels inevitable. But those whispering voices are insidious and opportunistic. They target your self-esteem, and your ability to trust. If you try to ignore or deny them, they will not go away—they’ll go underground, where they can do even more damage.
One way to counter them is to tune in more closely. It can help for the non-jealous partner to ask, “Did that incident trigger your ‘voices’? What are they saying?” It will take a lot of courage for the jealous partner to recount those whispering s honestly, and such conversations are best had while snuggling, in my opinion. But brought out into the open, confronted directly, and refuted rather than dismissed or ignored, those whispering s will begin to lose their power. Together, as a couple or even a poly family, you can expose those voices for the taunting bullies they are, and disarm them. And then together, if both of you are brave, you can embark on a campaign of desensitisation—perhaps even choosing calculated exposure to jealousy-inducing situations, the way a phobia may be treated by controlled exposure to the fear-inducing element.
However you attack the problem, make it your goal as a couple to examine and discredit jealousy’s murmurings together. You may turn a misery into an opportunity—to explore a new form of intimacy, tenderness and trust, and to strengthen and deepen—and thereby truly protect—the bond you treasure.
Health Issue In A BDSM Relationship And How It Can Effect Sex.
Firstly let me introduce myself, My name is Silverghostuk resident, This Article you are about to read Is My True real life situation .
Flame asked me a question yesterday on my views about on the Meaning of sex in D/s.
While a D/s dynamic does not require sex, it is often an important part.
Is sex in a D/s dynamic different?
How does it function?
What purpose does it serve in the dynamic?.
So with reading this question and pausing for a short while, and to
gather my thoughts, I then put forward my situation.
Well not much going on in that area at the moment till I have my prostate cancer operation done. It was last November 2015 that I felt something was wrong, so I went too see the doctor and told him that I thought there maybe something wrong, he asked what was going on, so I told him the symptoms I was having, so he said this sounds like a prostate issue, he did a quick examination of the Prostate, and then told me we need to get you looked at over at the hospital, so a couple of weeks later of I go to the appointment for them to put cameras down places and take a look around, and then another Prostate check, and the news was grim, we are 95% sure you have Prostate cancer, we would like to do a biopsy of the prostate, this will involve taking 14 samples form around the prostate, so I was told how this was done, and as he spoke my hands went to my crouch holding on for dear life and closing my legs onto my hands, and saying, you're going to do what!!, And thinking to my self my backside now feels like a money box, so the biopsy was done and then the two week wait was to begin, then the call to go back came, and the results were conclusive I have prostate cancer, at that point it was like being hit in the face as hard as someone could with a very large paddle, so after that had sank in we talked of what course of action they were going to take, after months of taking several types of pills and walking around sounding like a metal tube half full of ball bearings being shaken, I now face the last resort the Operation that I should be undergoing this November 2016.
I think that, most male Doms are unaware of the great risk they are at with Prostate cancer, and what it means, and how it can affect the Dom in the future. So yes, I also think that there is some medical things that would render the Females out of action, in sex so it is a two way thing, and something that should be thought if not talked about if you are in a long term relationship, we never know when something is going to take place that will change the course of a D/s relationship in the future, this is why I am strongly run the 2 tier relationship within my D/s relationship
Well Of course sex is a part of a D/s relationship, but who says playtime has to involve sex, we can do a scene without sex, and as in my case after the operation, sex my not be able to take place at all ever again, so I think to take sex for granted in D/s can be an oversight, but saying that, after the op, I will still play with my girl and we will both get our needs from that point of view, so Male Dominants all it not lost, I do not know at this point if I will be able to perform the sex act again or not at this point time will tell.
Over the past few weeks my sex drive has gone down the pan like the morning after a curry the night before, But this is mostly through the worry and stress of what is to come.
Now how about My Girl in all this, Sheela, We have a distance Relationship, and I sat Her down, and talked to Her about it telling Her how things Could change for Me and Us, She is a Good Girl and She Understands My situation fully, I even gave Her the option to be released if she wished, Sheela was Having none of that at all, My Girl stands by Her Master, And this has given Me
more strength to get through. For this I owe Her one Hell of a good Spanking,
So in conclusion, no sex is not important, We can get our needs and kinks without sex, and we can adapt our playtime as we need too, as we get older we should learn and understand that the body can not take what it use too, so we adapt and the D/s relationship will continue to grow, but in a new way and down a new path with all the joy and happiness the D/s relationship can bring.
Final Thought, if anyone would like any more information on the signs that can lead to prostate cancer, I will be glad to let you know. just contact Me Silverghostuk resident.
by Buster Norse
Rules and protocols exist to extend the control over all the submissive's conscious time. They extend the reach of the Dominant’s will beyond those periods of direct supervision and eliminate the need for the Dominant to repeat orders and directives needlessly. They also provide a necessary consistency and predictability for the submissive and a standard of behaviour toward which the submissive may plan and strive. This reduces the burden of supervision for the Dominant and reduces the anxiety of obedience for the submissive. This is the heart of what is called "training" of a submissive.
Rules and protocols should be designed for true needs and desires of the Dominant and successful performance by the submissive. They should take into account what the Dominant really needs and desires and what the submissive can truly achieve and also what may help the submissive to grow, improve and prosper in subjugation.
Rules and protocols must be consistently enforced in accordance with the improvement of the submissive in pleasing subjugation and with personal growth. Care and judgement on the part of the Dominant is required and proportion observed.
No enforcement should be done in anger and the assumption of honest mistake must be the first employed. Enforcement begins with simple information and correction. Correction replaces incomplete or inaccurate ideas of behaviour in the mind of the submissive with complete and accurate information about what is required. If this is not sufficient then the Dominants displeasure should be made clear.
Enforcement must have the goal of a positive outcome and corrected behaviour. Should more action prove necessary the Dominant moves to punishment and this should be significant for the submissive but not crushing. Punishment causes a suffering in a form a submissive wishes to avoid. We must always remember that the goal is a positive outcome for all and a deepening of the bond between Dominant and submissive. Punishments that damage the bond or deny the basic needs of the submissive in a significant for prolonged way will not lead to the desired outcome. It is important that the submissive understands the purpose of the punishment, accepts this purpose and the legitimacy of the punishment and feels closure when the punishment is ended. Forgiveness and acceptance must dependably wait at the end of the dark tunnel of punishment.
If the incidence of correction and particularly punishment is too high the Dominant should question his or her own methods and management and also perhaps the rightness of the fit with the submissive. As time and training proceed the need for correction and punishment should diminish significantly. If they do not a serious problem exists.
However, there are some dynamics that use the cycle of correction and or punishment to fuel the dynamic and this is different. Some call this "funishment" and that is not what I write about here.